I'm getting an education that I want but only want abstractly. I hate working toward what I feel like is nothing and feeling like I'm going in circles. I was talking to Jared, and he was saying how he's already accomplished in Israel what he went there to accomplish, to "find himself." High school is that awkward growing-up time, and college is supposed to help you "find yourself" but all this place has done has help breed my destructive side and perpetuate cycles I've tried for so long to eradicate. It has made me lazier than ever before. It has enabled me to do things I would have never dreamed of doing, both good and terrible (which have been weightier than the good). Maybe if I could "find myself" I'd be happier and be able to do the things I need to, but every time I think I do it comes at a price. I'm not even confident in my own ability or intelligence anymore. On top of that, I hate physically being here. Nine times out of ten I can't leave not because I don't have the monetary means or the desire, but because it is literally not an option. When I want to escape, I can't. I don't even have a space to which I can go that is my own. I don't know where or who I'm going to live with next year.

Bre is alone at home and miserable. I hardly saw her over break and I haven't really talked to her since. Ben is with Maggie again, and I know how depressed she gets when she lives at home and how shitty that makes her feel, because she doesn't really have anyone anymore. I wish I wasn't gone so she didn't have to be alone and so neither of us had to feel lonely. I wish Jared wasn't in Israel. I wish Colleen wasn't in Arizona. I wish Brittany wasn't in College Towers. I wish I could just have a really big hug from all of them right now, because they're the only people in the world from whom I never worry about being disconnected. They're the people I have unwavering trust in, and I'm never afraid of losing them, but they're (except Brittany) the people that are the furthest away from me.

I keep gaining weight and it's killing me, but I guess today is a nice exception since I'm so sad that I can't even eat. I finally just gave up trying to force myself. Really though, will getting skinnier make up for being this sad?

I don't have control over anything in my life.

And the best thing in my life right now is simultaneously the worst and most terrifying. It's the best because it's been such a long time since I've felt like this and to not second guess myself or feel like I'm mistaken, which I was most of the time. It's nice to know I'm not going to get my head fucked with again, because that's really all anyone has done to me in the past two years even if I am guilty of letting them. It makes me so happy, and at the same time, it's making me so scared and so sad. Sad because it's coming between me and you, clearly. On top of that, who knows how this is going to go. I don't do distance. It's not something I've ever believed in or had faith in, and so far it's going fine, but with the chance that the distance will increase so does the chance of things just not working. After all of the shit I've been through and put myself through— the mind games, the lies, the uncertainty— am I really willing to put myself out there that much? Of course I am, because clearly I'm already doing so. I keep asking myself what do I have to lose that hasn't already been taken? Any other time the answer is nothing, because I already know I'm getting fucked over or that there is a good chance I will be so loss is never really that big of a surprise... but now, the answer is her and where does that put me? Everything is so uncertain. My current happiness is incredibly unpredictable and conditional. I have to fight myself all the time to just appreciate this for what it is and to not let my insecurities get in the way and while the answer to, "Is it worth it?" is instinctively, "Yes," all of this is making me second-guess it. I want nothing more than to just think of myself for once, to let myself just be happy, but that never seems to be an option.

No matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how hard I try, I always end up hurting someone and fucking everything up.

Why did I think this would be any different?